Understanding Boundaries: Moving Beyond the Therapy Buzzwords

dorriefearnley
May 21
4 min read

Updated: May 22

Noun: Bound·ary

1. A line or limit where one thing ends and another begins, or something that indicates such a line or limit.

2. A limit that separates acceptable behaviour from unacceptable behaviour.

Why Are We Talking About Boundaries So Much Lately?

You may have noticed the term boundaries cropping up more often in recent years, particularly online (thanks, in part, to Jonah Hill’s accidental lesson on boundaries vs. control).

As more of us consume information through the internet—especially social media—the popularity of ‘pop psychology’ and therapy buzzwords has skyrocketed.

Gone are the days when you had to visit a library or Waterstones to browse the latest self-help titles. While this accessibility has been incredibly valuable, the downside is that complex psychological concepts are often oversimplified into short videos, catchy headlines, or one-sentence summaries.

This can leave us with a vague understanding—enough to know something is important, but not enough to put it into practice.

So, What Is a Boundary?

At its core, a personal boundary is a limit you set for yourself in relationships—whether that’s with a family member, friend, partner, colleague, or anyone else in your life.

To identify your own boundaries, try tuning into your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. Pay attention to moments when you feel uneasy or resentful—these are often signs that a boundary may be needed.

This can be especially challenging if you’re used to putting others’ needs ahead of your own (a behaviour sometimes called people pleasing).

How Do You Know a Boundary Might Be Needed?

You may frequently find yourself doing things out of a sense of obligation—because you think you should or have to—rather than because you genuinely want to. This sense of duty can cloud our ability to notice when a certain element of a relationship needs to change.

You might be ignoring your own needs in order to keep others happy. This can lead to frustration, burnout, or resentment over time.

Example: Your friend calls you every single day. You see their name pop up on your phone and think:"This really isn’t a good time, but I have to answer." That internal struggle could be an indication that a boundary is needed.

Types of Personal Boundaries

1. Physical Boundaries

Personal space and physical touch.Some people love hugs; others prefer a handshake—or no contact at all.

2. Emotional Boundaries

Protect your feelings and emotional wellbeing. They help you separate your emotions from others’ and safeguard your energy.

3. Mental Boundaries

Relate to your thoughts, values, and beliefs.They help you hold your own perspective without being influenced or manipulated.

4. Time Boundaries

Manage how you allocate your time.They help set expectations with others around your availability and commitments.

5. Material Boundaries

Concern your belongings and finances.They define when, how, and with whom you’re comfortable sharing.

6. Sexual Boundaries

Relate to consent, physical intimacy, and comfort in sexual situations.These are essential for mutual respect and emotional safety.

A boundary is not:

❌ A way to control others
❌ A punishment
❌ Selfish or self-centred
❌ Fixed or rigid forever

A boundary is:

✅ A clear communication of how you want to be treated“I don’t like to be hugged when I’m upset. If you try, I’ll pull away.”
✅ An act of self-care“If you call and I’m busy, I’ll get back to you when I can.”
✅ Flexible and responsive to life’s circumstances“I’m really busy this week—let’s touch base next week.”
✅ A tool to preserve relationships. Boundaries foster respect and lead to more authentic ways of relating.

A Scenario: How to Set a Boundary in Practice

Let’s say your partner or friend often raises their voice during disagreements, and it makes you feel distressed or unsafe.

Response A (not a boundary):"Don’t shout at me! You always do this. I hate it. Stop it!"

Response B (a boundary):"Please don’t shout when we talk. I find it uncomfortable. If it continues, I’ll step away from the conversation."

Why Response B works: It communicates how you feel and what you will do—not a demand for them to change, but a clear line around your own comfort and safety.

“I Understand It, But I Can't ***Do It*...”**

If you’re thinking, “This makes sense, but I could never say something like that,”—you’re absolutely not alone.

Many people struggle with setting boundaries, often because of past experiences. You might fear damaging a relationship, or have grown up learning that your role was to please others in order to be accepted or loved.

These patterns are deeply ingrained. Exploring the roots of these feelings—especially in therapy—can help you understand where they come from and how to shift them.

Try to remember that if someone reacts negatively to you setting a boundary, it's likely to do with what it's brought up for them on a personal level. They may perceive setting a boundary as a rejection, because of their own experiences and history. You can make space and honour that persons feelings, but they do not have to override your own needs.

Final Thoughts

It's so easy to get lost in this sea of therapy buzzwords, and become confused about what it all means for you or indeed for others around you. I hope this post gives you a starting point, to begin reflecting and becoming more in tune with your own needs. Whether you’re just beginning to think about boundaries or already trying to implement them, it’s worth remembering:

Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away.
They’re about inviting others to relate to you more respectfully and authentically.
They’re also a way of relating more honestly with yourself.

You deserve that.

Warmly,

Dorrie